Self Doubt and Rotten Tomatoes

Do you have those moments of self-loathing that drown out all other thoughts? You know, that feeling of embarrassment and shame so powerful they cause pain that can’t be healed with a few little pills or a chiropractor. It’s the pain of watching a moment in time over and over as it replays in our heads and makes us question our very worth.

“What the heck were you thinking?” the pain asks. “That was stupid. You’re stupid. Don’t you dare take risks like that again.” it says as it hatefully tears us up from inside our minds and replays a tortuous marathon of images that drives us further into negative self-talk.

I hate those feelings. I hate how much they make me hate myself. They happen often in my world. Sometimes over the silliest things, like when I failed to shake someone’s hand with a firm-enough grip. Or when I was asked a question in a small group and got the answer wrong. But mostly it happens when I drop my shields and let the silliness in me show - when I get vulnerable in a place where vulnerability hasn’t been normalized.

For some reason, it brings me comfort to know it doesn’t just happen to me. When the depths of shame attack my soul and make me want to shout for someone to save me from my own brain, I tell a friend. I tell them the whole stupid thing I did, how awful I felt, how dumb I am, and that I’m sure everyone hates me now because I kind of hate myself.

Then the replays skip for a minute. Regular programming disrupted. The shame signals aren’t as strong when we find a way to relieve the pressure and let them out of our heads through the words in our mouth. The more we talk about that moment, the more we share with someone who can remind us of our own worth and our true value, the less of a hold on us the Shame has. The less crippling it becomes, and the little holes that Fear has been poking get patched up and strengthened.

It takes strength and confidence to be true to ourselves. To be able to make simple mistakes and learn from them without feeling like a failure. And strength comes with practice. Every friend who can work those muscles of vulnerability with us, who can see when we are in a hard place and knows just how to listen, are the ones we need to surround ourselves with because they remind us of our worthiness when we’ve tripped on the hard path.

Yes, being real, vulnerable, true to ourselves and to our identities, is terrifying and hard. But the more we do it, the happier we are. And the more we connect with people who are doing the same, the easier it becomes. Find those people, and make sure you have their number.

Because the only images we should binge-watch are shows like Game of Thrones and Gilmore girls. Get rid of all that other self-doubt stuff. 
Besides, I heard it only got 10% on Rotten Tomatoes.